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Black Love: From A Black Woman

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So recently I was reading a post somewhere about Terry Crews and his situation involving an elite Hollywood director/producer (not sure of his title) and how he was sexually assaulted. In an interview, Terry mentioned that he was not surprised by the support he received but more surprised by who it came from: black women and that black men had NOT been nearly as supportive as he had initially thought. ( Terry Crews Got Support From Black Women But Not Black Men )This made me reflect on a lot of experiences and feelings that I had in regards to the relationship(s) between black men and women and here’s what I came up with:

We’ve had an understanding from the beginning. We (black women) were there during slavery when I believe the emasculation of black men began. When the slave masters would take the wives of black men and rape/impregnate them and leave the husbands to ultimately deal with the lasting effects of that (humiliation, anger, etc) black men began to feel like they were less of a man for not protecting their wives. In my mind, this may have been where the “ride or die” mentality with black women for black men began even though I am sure in Africa we loved and respected each other deeply. Through this pain (slavery) a bond was created which was a result of enduring the good and bad times with each other. We understand each other like no one else because we’ve seen, experienced and felt the same things at one point in time that in some way or another relate to painful experiences we’ve been through. Tough experiences can not only build character but can also help build unbreakable bonds with the people who experienced those things with you. Slavery really created the foundation of what black love is built on: strength, understanding, empathy, and unconditional love. Although there were some negative lasting effects of slavery and how it altered the mindsets of black people, I believe to a certain extent it brought us all closer through our shared experiences.

However, somewhere along the way a disconnect took place between black women and men in which we often find ourselves loving black men (to a fault sometimes) while we are sometimes left to fend for and love on ourselves rather than receiving that love and protection from black men. For instance, in the infamous R. Kelly debacle almost (if not all) of the people in the forefront leading the fight for justice for these young black women are black women themselves. There were few black men who appeared in the documentary and those that did participated and enabled the disgusting behavior while Dream Hampton (filmmaker), Oronike Odeleye (#MuteRKelly co-founder) and a plethora of other black women spearhead the fight against the injustice. This simply says to me: Black women champion ourselves and everyone else but who does that for us.  Often it seems as though we are fighting our own battles and the battles of others alone which is unbelievable considering how much we’ve already been through. How can one of the most oppressed  group of people be so fearless and strong after all they’ve been through? How could we support so many other people with little to no support ourselves?

STRENGTH

Watching the clip of Terry Crews surprised me and opened my eyes to the reality that although we share the same ancestry, pains, and often experience the same things there is still a misunderstanding of who we are as black women from black men. If I knew Terry I would ask why he was surprised at our support when we’ve been loving, supporting, protecting, and advocating for our black men since the beginning and how he thinks we could get black men on the same page. Hopefully we can continue the discussion and find ways to create a better understanding of each other so that we may grow stronger as a race.

Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!

On To The Next: Emotional Detachment Pros & Cons

The ability to easily emotionally detach yourself can be a blessing and a curse!

Living in and experiencing so many different places and people really teaches you how to disengage and keep it moving.

THE GOOD NEWS IS…

I’ve found that I’m able to avoid a lot of heartbreak and sorrow because I’ve adjusted and accepted the fact that people, places, and things are replaceable or not as important as we think they are (except my mom lol). When you’ve moved around quite a bit it becomes the norm not to get attached thus keeping a safe distance between you and “friends” because you know that sooner or later you would be separated. This realization is a game changer because it allows you the chance the control your own emotions vs someone else and that distance makes it less painful when you do leave. The further you are away from the person, place, or thing emotionally the less it will hurt and that seems to always be the objective. Also, in this generation regarding dating it is best to play your cards extremely close to your chest. We’ve always been taught how men hit it and quit it and move on to the next while we’re often expected to sit at home crying and mourning the relationship. I do NOT subscribe to that way of thinking and have been able to save myself a lot of heartache by being able to quickly assess, learn from, and move to the next situation. While most of my friends are crying I’ve moved along and more than likely quickly forgotten about the issue because I’ve always kept everyone at arms length.

HERE COMES THE BAD NEWS….

Although the idea of being able to move along quickly is often romanticized, the reality is most of the motivation or mental grooming associated with easily disassociating yourself is either fear or hurt( maybe both). Growing up when I first began to move around it would hurt when I made friends and had to say goodbye to them but eventually it becomes routine unfortunately. That hurt will force most to numb themselves and ultimately accept what they cannot change. Hurt people hurt people and the person once considered the victim of said hurt then goes on to inflict it. Another negative aspect is the fact that you’ve essentially built an iron wall around your heart not allowing anyone remotely close to it and those that you feel you are becoming emotionally attached to are often pushed away and discarded out of fear. No real relationship can bloom when you refuse to lower those walls and accept the fact that you may get hurt but YOU WILL BE OK IF YOU DO! The acceptance of this is a lost concept to many (including myself) and stops a lot of people from finding and experiencing real love within family, relationships, and friendships.

I haven’t quite cracked the code on how to achieve the perfect balance between keeping a safe emotional distance while allowing yourself to surrender fully to experience the full gamut of emotions that come with it. All in all, protect your heart but understand that you WILL experience heartache no matter what but it will build character and strength after the hurt has subsided.

A Love Letter to Myself on my 25th Birthday

A Love Letter to Myself

You’re a gentle soul that was placed in a world full of craziness and chaos in order to bring calmness and wisdom

Your kind and forgiving heart will be what draws people in but also what allows people to hurt you so easily

Your skin the hue of a milk chocolate Hershey’s bar and appropriately you’re sweet and your spirit is enjoyed by many

Your intellectual depth will often fall upon deaf ears because unlike you many of the people you encounter have become jaded by harrowing life events and lack the ability to see the bright side of EVERYTHING

In this lies your purpose!

Your quiet nature and “light” will attract darkness and because of your healing spirit you will want to fix him, her, it, or them. Try to help from healthy distance.

You encompass tender resilience. When others feel as though you are delicate and fragile you are at your strongest. You have the ability to show your entire self to people and risk the possibility of getting hurt in which the average person is fearful of that hurt.

You are self aware

My Feelings On: Current Events involving Racism

I miss powerful black movements and activists

Between the 60’s and 80’s I feel the black community birthed an entire population of black activists that were fearless and who’s sole purpose was to educate, uplift, and lead us

The sense of immense pride and fierce intention to better our people really pushed the culture and laid the foundation for movements like today’s Black Lives Matter

Those protests, both peaceful & violent, were building blocks for the the strength and boldness we as a people possess today.

Our lineage is that of Kings and Queens and seeing us walk in that God given birthright and fight to hold on to what this country’s been trying to strip us of for the longest: our history and culture restores a strong sense of that pride I feel we’d lost along the way.

To think our ancestors were beaten, raped, hung from trees like strange fruit and discarded for viewing pleasure by sadistic white people and through us have overcome so much although we still have so much more to go.

It is our duty to acknowledge the pain and suffering of our oppressed ancestors, use their experiences to fuel our angst now to combat the modern day genocide of black people, and move into our future fully aware, ready to fight and continually seek justice for our brothers and sisters.

I’m ashamed. I’ve numbed myself in regards to the numerous killings broadcasted everywhere of us because it’s simply too raw and too hurtful to emotionally bare the full brunt of what is happening and what has been happening for decades.

Fearing that if I’d allow myself to experience the depth of these situations, as an empath, I’d be overcome with anger, helplessness, and afraid and I refuse to let THEM win.

I refuse to become desensitized to seeing videos of black lifeless bodies on nationally broadcasted media outlets, watching our young men and women die and normalizing and instilling more fear of the system and the very people being paid to protect us.

It is a verbal denial and aching silence in which I am subscribing to aside from social media posting and conversations with close family and friends.

The silence is not that of complacency but of deep introspection because if I can’t understand and decipher my own thoughts how can I verbalize this to many other people.

“When shit gets bad I go within. My misery hates company” I’d not like to discuss nor express in depth the pain that comes from realizing in the grand scheme of things our lives are viewed as worthless and the black person is apparently still considered 3/5 of a person as if we’d made no progress from those horrid times of slavery.

I am proud of my generation of black people and how we’ve single-handedly advanced the fight and intensified the importance of not submitting to this idea of being sacrificial lambs so that black people could be treated with decency.

We should NOT have to keep dying in order to change laws and seek better and equal treatment from peers, law enforcement, and the powers that be.

Venting: Job Struggles with a Confused Millennial

Confused. Disappointed. Numb. 

These three words perfectly describe what I am currently feeling. After leaving, what some may consider, a good job in the private sector and obtaining a “good gubment job” I can’t help but feel more confused than ever. Growing up a lot of people were told that government jobs were stable, the ideal, and that once you get it you’ll keep rising while reaping the financial rewards. I can attest that these things may be true but it’s also true that it’s extremely easy to get comfortable quickly and end up feeling as though days are passing you by while doing the same mundane tasks. As a confused millennial who has no idea of what they want to do in life as of now, it can be a hard pill to swallow each time you try a new job/career only to realize you aren’t good at it or it’s not a good fit for you. I’d remember always laughing and scolding older people who got into the government and stayed in until they retired only to tell stories about how dull and routine their daily work lives were and how they just stayed so that they could retire with an adequate amount of savings. After only 6 months I feel as though I have quickly become very comfortable and and lazy work-wise and physically like,i’m sure, many people did and still do.

It’s an extremely confusing space to be in when you’ve prayed endlessly for an opportunity only to obtain it and become lazy and feel unfulfilled. Also, questioning yourself about if you are just a job -hopping quitter or right on track for what God has in store. The fear of disappointing family members, naysayers judging you, and an overall loss of confidence in your abilities are all things that stress me out regularly and I know I can’t be the only one. In my previous job, an older coworker told me “You’re young get out while you can! If I was your age with few responsibilities I would be out seeing what I want to do with my life.” Every time I have left a job I have always found my footing rather quickly and seemingly “stepped up” when transitioning to another job/position financially and location wise. The question now is: what do I do now? Am I just being a quitter? Should I stick it out? Am I just lazy? Should I just continue until I find what I am truly passionate about? So many questions but it can all become a lot to bear when you know that God has a greater plan for you but you’re wondering if you should just up and leave and have faith or stay still and wait on God to move in your life.

Lately my friends have been professing and manifesting good fortune and events into their lives and I’ve realized that I have fallen off the boat and need to began professing that I have clarity and peace of mind through all of this. Also, that whatever will happen, will happen and that I have to have faith that it’s all working out for the greater good. It’s rather refreshing to realize that down the line I will be able to thank God for the confusion because it taught me how to trust Him and have faith in Him. I’m sure i’m not the only one feeling this way and I hope that others are able to get to the root of those feelings and not settle for something they know isn’t right for them.

Be encouraged and stay positive!

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